


Eating Out

by OutcastDeity



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual!Roy, Everyone loves Ed, Everyone swears, Everyone's gay for Ed, Food Puns, Innocent!Ed, M/M, Protective!Riza, Sexy Edward, Snog fro yo, Team Mustang - Freeform, Tease!Ed, chocolate kisses, edroy - Freeform, food puns galore, royed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 07:57:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19080778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OutcastDeity/pseuds/OutcastDeity
Summary: Five times Edward was innocently trying to feed Roy and one time the word 'innocent' didn't even come into it.





	Eating Out

**One**

The thing about Edward Elric was that, through a combination of an angular jawline, long dark eyelashes, molten gold eyes, luscious blonde locks, and thigh muscles for god-damn days, he was undeniably ridiculously attractive. Everyone knew it, but no one was willing to actually voice it out loud, because at seventeen he was chilling out just on the wrong side of age-of-consent, and there was the very real possibility that should you mention his unfairly good-looking  _everythingness,_ then Riza Hawkeye, in a bout of motherly protectiveness, would wait until you were asleep and then casually cut off your balls.

Which chalked up to not a single man in Roy Mustang's office being able to legitimately say they  _hadn't_  thought about Edward on his knees, or flat on his back on a desk, or in any other kinky-as-fuck position their woefully undersexed minds could come up with. Yet all of them would vehemently  _not_  talk about the Ed-shaped elephant in the room whenever he was in the command centre giving a report, and the entire office went to shit because they were too busy looking at that perfectly rounded ass which the blonde tease, in all his genius, decided to clad in  _leather_. The whimpers in the boy's wake were proof enough that the entire team were doomed with infatuation for their youngest member, and it was only that sense of camaraderie with the other men that made Roy feel even remotely better for his own reactions to the teenage bombshell.

That being said, no matter what effortless sex-appeal Edward gave off simply by existing, it really didn't give Roy an excuse to drool over someone fourteen years his junior and still, in the eyes of the law, a minor. Even if Roy's  _eyes_ didn't necessarily agree with the law. Which was why, when Ed strolled into the office at quarter to three on a Wednesday and flipped his hair back over his shoulder and smiled his stupidity-inducing smile, Roy buckled down and kept his eyes trained very,  _very_  carefully on his paperwork – whilst Havoc proceeded to forget to tend to his half-smoked cigarette and found himself with a lap full of ash, and Fuery made an incredibly high-pitched sound that Roy could only hope didn't mean the tech-dork had just come in his pants.

It was an hour later when Ed found his way over to Roy's desk, and Roy was still studiously ignoring him. He knew, to some extent, (he knew it entirely but it made him feel better to pretend he didn't) that ignoring the boy would only rile him up. Then Edward would look at him with fiery passion, and possibly shout and get a rosy tint to his bronzed skin and Roy would find himself uncomfortable under his desk and not be able to leave until he'd thought about Aunt Chris in a swimsuit. Yet he continued to torture himself by making it entirely possible that soon enough Edward would be pissed off at him for his careful pretending not to notice the  _actual sun_  walking steadily towards him.

"Hey, would you like some kisses?"

And Roy hadn't even had anything in his mouth, but he managed to choke on his own saliva all the same, and was for a moment staring down at a disgusting glob of drool that had ejaculated from his mouth at high speed and landed on a rather important document he was supposed to be showing to General Hakuro later that day. Stunned into utter silence, because there was no way in the ever-loving-hades that Fullmetal was actually offering to kiss him, no matter how many times Roy had shamefully fantasied about it, he managed a rather undignified squeak in response, and hoped to high-hell that nobody noticed the transgression. He looked up quickly to see Edward was holding out a handful of teardrop shaped chocolates, individually wrapped in silver foil with a paper tag protruding from the top labelling them as 'kisses'.

Oh, fuck, _of course._  Of course Edward would take it upon himself to start offering sweet treats around the office entirely unawares of the dirty thoughts circulating in everyone's mind. Everyone being mostly in the same boat, Roy consoled himself that maybe no one would notice his own entirely not suave reaction to the boy if he just quietly took one and sent Fullmetal off on his way.

Nodding, because he really didn't trust himself to speak after the awfully mouse-like sound he'd uttered last time he'd tried, he reached out for a chocolate and tried desperately not to think about how cool Ed's fingers were when he accidentally brushed them with his own. He held eye-contact with the boy for the simple reason that it was probably safer than letting his eyes roam, and felt his throat go sandpaper dry when one side of Fullmetal's mouth quirked up in an unsettlingly attractive smirk.

"It's supposed to be a kiss for a kiss, but today you can have it for free." The blonde assessed happily, and had turned back to the rest of the office to continue his socialising before Roy could think of anything witty to reply with.

Not that Roy could think  _at all_ , being far too busy focusing on the idea of exchanging kisses.

* * *

 

**Two**

Not three weeks after what was being whispered around the office, as under the radar of Hawkeye as things could get in Mustang's team, as 'the kisses incident', Roy found himself on a stake-out mission with his youngest, and sexiest, subordinate. He hadn't meant to get holed up in a car with Fullmetal for an entire night, because that put him in mind of so many hard-on-inducing and entirely illegal activities that you could do in a car with a seventeen year old, but the order had come down from Hakuro that Fullmetal should be involved in the mission and everyone else had mysteriously come down with illnesses. Absolute traitors.

They were about four hours into their seven hour surveillance and Roy was really beginning to regret not having any dinner before they started, or having the forethought to bring stake-out snacks. Not that he was trying to impress Ed, (who the fuck was he kidding, of course he was trying to impress Ed) but it would be entirely uncool if his stomach started making the awful gurgling sounds it made when he was hungry. It was pretty common practise to bring snacks on a stake-out as well, and Fullmetal had thought ahead and had bought a plastic box of red berries he had been happily munching on for the last fifteen minutes – staining his already unreasonably tempting lips a slutty red that Roy was really,  _really_  not thinking about.

At least his hunger was going some way to reduce his penchant for accidentally slipping into being a dirty old man around Ed. Which was a good thing too – because Edward himself was doing a grand total of nothing to reduce Roy's incessant perving. The boy was on his first stake-out and insanely excited about it, basically bouncing up and down in his seat (hot-damn, those thigh muscles!) and craning his neck (Roy would leave so many marks there, if given the chance) and biting his red stained lips when he thought he might be getting too anxious (Roy had to physically look away when that happened).

They were only trailing some nobody who Hakuro thought might be dealing drugs on account of a tip he'd received from a smart-ass fellow General. Chances were it was a dead end and they'd spend all night in an uncomfortable car and have nothing to show for it come morning, except for a sore bottom ( _Damn it Roy, get yourself together_ ) but still Ed was a ball of restless energy. If it wasn't for the sake of Hakuro hinting that making this bust might put him in line for a promotion then Roy would definitely have come down with an 'illness' himself. He sat back in his seat and stared out the window to where a bald man with terrible taste in fashion was leaning in a not-so-casually way against the wall of a seedy strip club.

Then, horribly – absolutely  _mortifyingly_  – his stomach growled. There was a beat of silence in which Roy forced his face into a mask of calm out of sheer will, and started praying to gods that he didn't believe in that Edward hadn't heard the horrible squelchy gurgle protruding from his being. There was every chance he  _hadn't_  heard it – Edward was incredibly focused on the job (for what was likely the first time in his life) and Roy's stomach was unlikely to top the excitement of a stake-out. After a few more moments Roy was actually beginning to relax, since if Fullmetal was going to tease him, he would have done so already.

"Colonel… you should take my cherry."

Then Roy just about managed to not blush the  _colour_  of a cherry and turned to his youngest subordinate with eyes only slightly wider than usual, trying desperately to think of why Edward would do this to him. Surely the kid knew that there  _had_  to be a more reasonable way of phrasing that? As it was, Edward was holding out the plastic box with one round, plump looking cherry left in the bottom. Roy stared at it for a moment, and then flickered his eyes back up to Ed's lips, stained red from the berries, and berated himself for thinking the boy had meant his question in a way that was anything less than pure. Of course Fullmetal was just the kind of man that would give up his last snack to a hungry officer.

He breathed out through his mouth and nodded.

"Thank you, Fullmetal." He managed, which was better than the last time Ed had offered him food and he hadn't even been able to speak. He reached for the cherry and relaxed back into his chair. He was about to pop it into his mouth when a small commotion from the blonde next to him had him stopping.

"Hey wait." Ed said, reaching for the cherry again, and because it was Ed's snack Roy instinctively stopped and watched as Ed detached the stem from the berry, before giving the cherry back to Roy. "I wanna see if I can tie it in a knot with my tongue."

 _Fucking hell_  – Roy was definitely not going to make it through the night.

* * *

 

**Three**

The day Edward Elric turned eighteen was a joyous and terrifying occasion for anyone who knew him. All of a sudden – at the stroke of midnight – the force of nature, with his molten gold eyes, perfectly sculpted body and the grace and beauty he didn't even try for, went from being great to look at but shrewdly unobtainable on punishment of jail-time (or Riza Hawkeye taking you down in a sniper attack), to actually fucking  _legal_. Except Riza would still break your arms for even entertaining the notion, and what did it say about you as a person if you genuinely shacked up with a kid who had  _just_  gained the right to vote?

No matter how damn tempting it was.

And Roy knew it was tempting – he probably knew more than anyone else, on account of Fullmetal's uncanny ability to make him spit-take over the most mundane and genuinely innocent things, and yet he was just a man. Just a pathetic excuse for a man who was entirely incapable to saying 'no' when Edward rocked up to the office on Friday with honest-to-god handwritten invitations to his god-damned birthday dinner the next day, and invited the whole damn office. What more proof could Roy need that Edward was too damn young than a hand written invitation professing Fullmetal's want to have his friends over for a birthday tea? And yet attending meant going to Edward's  _home_ , where Edward bathed, and Edward  _slept_ , and where Edward probably had  _sex_  dreams and where he  _jacked off_ … and Roy was a dirty old man that really should have said no.

But he hadn't. And neither had anyone else.

Which was how he found himself outside a plain black door to a third floor apartment on a Saturday, wearing a maroon button-down and levis and hoping he didn't look like he was trying too hard – even though he'd spent an hour in front of the mirror styling his hair, and had only picked the maroon shirt because it was as close to Edward's favourite colour as he owned. He hadn't known what to buy the boy for his eighteenth, and he really hadn't wanted to be the pervert who supplied the kid with alcohol, and so he had ended up with a rather expensive potted plant that had pink flowers, that he was now regretting. He was just debating throwing it down the corridor when the door opened and Alphonse Elric stood on the other side with a huge grin on his face.

Alphonse looked like Edward in a lot of ways, now that he had his body back, and Roy was continuously blown away by just how perfect the world looked with Alphonse Elric restored to his former glory, and yet unfortunately (he means fortunately, fuck, he's not actually sure what he means) there are a lot of way's Alphonse doesn't hold a candle to Ed. Alphonse's eyes didn't shine in quite the same shade of twenty-four carrot gold, and Alphonse was still recovering from the malnutrition of his body a year on and often needed a stick to walk around. Roy thought that every step the boy took was a miracle, but he counted himself lucky that he was not as utterly head over heels for the younger Elric, like he was for the older. Except that brought into light the idea that Roy's fantasies about Ed sprang from a place that was more than just appreciation of the boy's looks, and he wasn't yet willing to tackle that idea.

"Colonel!" Alphonse greeted happily, and Roy wanted to go in for a hug or something, but Alphonse hobbled backwards and made a motion for Roy to bypass him into the flat, so he did and looked around at all the other military personnel littering the Elric residence.

Havoc was wearing a hooded, zip-up jumper that Mustang thought he probably chose to make himself look younger. Breda appeared to have purchased an entire library as a gift, and Roy berated himself because of course he should have thought to bring books – everyone knew Ed loved books. Fallman was chatting quietly to Fuery, both of them in short-sleeved shirts, and Riza had rocked up in a cream and floral dress that was so unlike her that it took Roy a moment to catch up with what he was seeing. He vaguely registered that she looked pretty before Edward strolled out of the kitchen and stole the entire metaphorical show. He was clad in a soft looking, fire-engine red, cable-knit jumper and a cream apron with the black words stamped across the chest proclaiming 'kiss the cook'.

"Happy birthday!" Greeted Riza and Alphonse in unison – the only people in the room coherent enough to speak. Alphonse turned to everyone gathered.

"He insisted on cooking, even though it's his birthday!" He told them all, which was clearly an admonishment meant for his brother that he couldn't level at Ed because it was the boy's special day. As such a few titters went through the crowd and no more was said on the subject, because Edward was right  _there_ , in an apron, brandishing a spatula at his brother and looking like a domestic wet-dream.

Edward moved through the people, thanking them for coming and for their generous gifts, and, predictably, came to Roy last. Awkwardly, Roy held out the houseplant, and held his breath as Edward took it in his hands and raised an eyebrow at him.

"An orchid?" He asked, and Roy nodded even though he really had no idea what an orchid was. He knew they were expensive, and he had shelled out a lot for it, but other than that he wasn't sure what they were supposed to look like. Clearly Ed knew more on the subject because he was looking between it and Roy with an unreadable expression on his face. "Are you trying to get me pregnant?"

He said it loud enough that the entire room stopped to look at him, and Roy just about stopped breathing. Later he would blame that on the almost feral look that Riza was shooting him over Ed's shoulder, but in reality… well, Ed had just asked  _that_.

Quickly he shook his head and held up his hands in surrender, just in case Riza had her gun on her and was feeling trigger happy.

"The  _fuck_ , Fullmetal?" He questioned, which was testament to how shocked he was, because he wouldn't usually swear out loud in front of his subordinates, whether they were mixing socially or otherwise, and his grammar had apparently jumped out a window. The blonde shot him a teasing look, his lips twitching up in an annoyingly attractive smile that had Roy feeling gooey inside and likely to forgive the boy in three seconds flat.

"Orchids, Mustang." He said, as if that explained it, but then thankfully (Roy would regret that wording later) went on to say more. "They've been used since the ancient Xerxian times to help with fertility – and I mean, I  _do_  have a bun in the oven."

There was a long silence in which Roy glanced over at the rest of his team, who were biting their lips and sending him sympathetic looks, so at least Roy knew he wasn't reading in to the eldest Elric's words, he truly had just alluded to being knocked up. Of course Roy knew the boy was joking – because he knew basic anatomy and that  _men can't get pregnant_  – but that didn't stop his mind from flooding with images of all the fun they could have  _trying_  to get Ed pregnant, and that just about gave him a heart attack.

* * *

 

**Four**

Two months later Roy's team were out on the East Field preparing themselves for the quarterly drills in a weeks time, when they were due to be in direct competition with Colonel Douglas' crew from Investigations. Everyone was in sports wear, which meant they were drawing quite a crowd around the edges of the field, who wanted to see Hawkeye wearing the military standard issue shorts. Said shorts were the same across the genders, which, one would assume, meant they were typical knee-length, unflattering things – except in reality they were something a lot more similar to booty-shorts. Hawkeye didn't bat an eye to that, but Roy found himself trying to pull the material down every few steps. He was glad to see he wasn't the only person to be doing so, as he continued his jog and glanced around to see Fallman, Breda and Fuery all tugging at the shorts.

Then, of course, there was  _Edward_. Edward who had never worn military issue clothing in his life, and who was rarely even around for quarterly drills, who was jogging up ahead with Hawkeye in the standard sports kit, white t-shirt, booty-shorts and all. Roy was going to shoot himself in the head if those damned thigh-muscles caused him to have to do this run with an erection. Blue, jersey-style shorts with a silver trim that were, with every pace Ed ran, riding up ever so slightly more.

"I don't think I can be held responsible for my actions if those shorts get even an  _inch_  higher." Breda puffed beside him.

Roy shot the blondes up front a disparaging look and gave a put upon sigh that he pretended was simply being out of breath from the running. Since Edward had turned eighteen the whispers in the office about his impressive beauty were making their way out of the woodwork. Hawkeye was still avoided at all cost and conversation over Ed's various best physical attributes halted if she, or Ed himself, entered the room – but between the men they were incapable of helping themselves from lamenting how unfairly distracting the boy was. Roy had learnt that Fuery was damn near obsessed with Ed's hair, Breda was a die-hard ass man, Fallman was partial to staring at Ed's shoulders if he worked desk-duty for a day, and Havoc was, like Roy, entirely besotted with the legs. Edward's perfectly formed thigh muscles which were  _flexing_  as he ran and making Roy have to take deeper breaths than he otherwise would. Of course, Roy hadn't yet told the men that he was the unfortunate soul that just found the  _entirety_  of Edward nothing short of stunning.

They finished up their run in silence, mostly because Roy was concentrating really intensely on not getting hard, and then Roy was subjected to watching Edward systematically send his entire team to the infirmary with head-rush when the boy started doing pull-ups on the high-bar. Fallman just about fainted in a record three seconds, and Roy reminded himself about the shoulder thing. Looking at Ed flex his core, arms and shoulders as he lifted his own bodyweight over the bar, he really understood. He glanced around the other men and settled on Havoc, who was watching Ed as well with his brow furrowed, and who then turned to Roy looking lost and hopeless.

"Chief, this isn't  _fair_." He whined. Roy completed agreed.

"What do you want me to do? Tell him he can't train with us?" He hissed back, but a quick look around the rest of the team showed him that that might be the way to go. No one was achieving anything because they were too busy watching Ed in those damned shorts. Those damn shorts that were now being hefted to a position  _above_  them and left very little to the imagination. Relenting, he waved his hand and yelled for everyone to gather round. Once they had, he crossed his arms and gave them all a disapproving look, even though he wasn't much better (or even at all better) than any of them. "Anyone who thinks they're too distracted to be doing this, go home – you'll just have to pick it up tomorrow." He ordered.

Immediately every man in the office with the exception of Roy and Ed all but raced away from the field, and Roy shook his head after them, frowning. He wished he could join them but professional courtesy kept him rooted to the spot. Maybe he should think about having a serious chat with the team about fraternization laws, and remind them all (and maybe himself) that despite Ed being of age, he was still unobtainable. He turned to the last couple of blondes remaining, just Ed and Riza.

"Are they okay?" Asked Ed, looking after the retreating backs of his colleagues, and clearly having no concept that Ed was the one fucking with them by simply existing and being unreasonably attractive. Roy sighed.

"They're sick." He replied.  _Love sick_ , but Ed didn't have to know that. "We've still got four drills to get through, so let's get on with it." He added, and then had to turn away because the idea of Edward and the word 'drill' in such close proximity was causing his stomach to twist in arousal.

Ed turned back to the high-bar, and Riza nodded to him and turned as well. There was two high-bars, so Roy let the blondes go first and steeled himself for watching too ridiculously attractive people flex their cores. Somehow he got through it, and the three of them made their way through the next three drills after that without major incident. It was only after they were finished, all three of them out of breath and sweaty, and beginning to stretch, that Roy realised how doomed he was. Ed and Riza, out of breath, and sweaty, and  _stretching_.

Riza was bad enough, twisting her body with one arm across her chest, under her boobs and pushing them up in a way that would normally have Roy drooling and unable to look away, but, but –  _Edward_. Ed was bent over, touching his toes without bending his knees, and those  _shorts_  – the shorts had ridden up almost entirely into his butt-crack, and Roy was instantly dealing with a half-hard cock in his own shorts.  _Fuck me_ , he thought to himself in despair, and then tried to quench a blush that flamed into being over his cheeks when his brain supplied various images of all the ways Roy would let Edward do exactly that. He turned away because the shorts did nothing to hide awkward boners. As such he jumped a little when Ed started speaking behind him.

"Hey Mustang, fancy a snog?"

And Roy didn't claim to have particularly impressive brain functioning when he was around Fullmetal, because as had previously been mentioned, Edward had an uncanny ability to turn him into actual goo – but at that moment his brain entirely short-circuited and shut down. Which was the only reason that his mouth decided it was a good time to start working entirely without need for his brain to be involved, and his next words were said in a breathy, needy rush that when he came to his senses later he would deny all knowledge of.

"For the love of all that holy,  _please_  yes."

Edward grinned back at him and started making his way towards Roy, and for a brief moment Roy wondered if this was it – standing in East Field with Riza Hawkeye three steps away – Edward Elric was going to sweep him up for a make-out session and Roy was going to do a grand total of nothing to stop it, because he did not have the will-power to deny himself this. Ed was about an inch away from him when Roy allowed his eyes to flutter closed, because maybe if he didn't look he could pretend later, in the official investigation into what happened, and why Riza had disembowelled him, that he had no knowledge of what was about to come. Then Fullmetal clapped him on the shoulder and moved passed him, and Roy found himself spinning around to watch the boy jogging away from him with what was definitely not (totally was) a pathetic whine.

He just about died when he saw the ice-cream truck Ed was heading towards with a sign proclaiming loudly that they sold 'Snog frozen yoghurt', a popular brand in Central; often picked because of their memorable catchphrase 'fancy a Snog?'. He turned back to Riza to see her levelling him with an unimpressed look, but then she simply sighed and rolled her eyes at him.

"How long?" She asked, which was enough to tell Roy his inner turmoil was written all over his face and she had definitely witnessed the mortifying moment in which Roy genuinely believed he was about to be kissed by the object of his misplaced affections.

"Too long." He replied, which was the truth. Since Edward was about sixteen and had grown into his muscles and stopped wearing his juvenile red coat, Roy had been battling with his bodies reactions to the bombshell teen. Riza clicked her tongue at him, and Roy counted himself lucky that sports-wear didn't leave any pockets for concealed weapons. She raised her hand and for a moment Roy thought she might be about to slap him, but then she just rested it gently on his shoulder and gave him a saddened look.

"You're doomed." She assessed.

When Edward came back with white, creamy fro-yo dribbling down his chin and another one oozing down over his fingers in a way that could only be described as  _pornographic_ , Roy couldn't help but whole-heartedly agree.

* * *

 

**Five**

Alphonse turned eighteen ten months after Edward had, and decided he would celebrate in a much more time honoured way than Fullmetal had. Where Edward had opted for a home-cooked meal and his work-colleagues all crammed into a small flat and breaking bread with one another, in what had turned out to be an incredibly pleasant and laid-back evening, after the orchid incident had been swept under the rug, Alphonse was clearly looking for something all together more traditional. So in early November Roy had received an invite from the youngest Elric, through Edward, that requested his presence in The Royal Gambit – a local pub about ten minutes walk from the Elric residence – for a proper bonafide booze-up. Because what could go wrong with putting two ridiculously attractive eighteen year old boys in a room with a bunch of military men and beer on tap?

But Edward had looked at him with fire in his eyes that suggested that Roy had better not disappoint Ed's perfect baby brother, and Roy had acquiesced quickly on a basis of never wanting to disappoint Ed.

After the revelation of Riza knowing about his bodily reactions to Fullmetal (oh, who was he kidding, at this point he had a full-blown crush on the kid), he decided the best plan of action was to keep his Lieutenant close by his side, so that she could keep him out of trouble. It was her influence that had him turning up to the pub at exactly the time offered on invitation, and not a minute late. No one else was there yet, except for the Elrics, of course, because no one else was stupid enough to be the first one to arrive. He and Riza made their way through the crowded booths towards the table near the bar Alphonse had secured, and Roy was congratulating himself on this time not bringing any fertility inducing plants along with him.

"Colonel, Lieutenant!" Alphonse greeted happily, and Roy realised he already had a glass of amber liquid almost perfectly matching his eye-colour in front of him, probably provided by his brother, which saved the awkwardness of Roy having to offer to buy the kid a drink and ending up feeling like he was deliberately getting the boy drunk.

"Roy and Riza is fine, Alphonse – you've never been in the military and besides, we're off the clock." He said as he sat down. Talking to Alphonse was so much easier than talking to the older brother, which probably had a lot to do with how Edward could stun him into silence simply by looking at him.

"So do I get to call you Roy too?" The blonde bombshell asked, sliding into the conversation expertly and levelling Roy with a cheeky smirk before taking a gulp of his own drink – a clear, bubbly liquid that could have been sparkling water or could have been vodka and lemonade. Roy watched his Adam's Apple bob around it deliciously and tried not to think about what else Ed could swallow around.

"Off the clock." He managed, hoping his voice didn't sound as strained and high-pitched to Edward as it had in Roy's own ears.

The blonde gave him a searching look as if that hadn't been the answer he was expecting (it hadn't been the answer Roy had expected to give either, so he couldn't blame the boy) and then turned as more guests arrived, squeezing themselves around the table and dragging more chairs from other tables as they all sat down and greeted each other jovially. Edward was radiant when he was in host mode – less attitude and more giddy warmth, and he greeted everyone with stunning smiles that gave him crinkles around his eyes that made Roy think about sun streaming in through the curtains on a lazy Sunday morning and rolling over in bed to blonde hair and bronzed skin and those genuinely happy smiles.

"Doomed." He whispered under his breath to Riza, unable to rip his eyes off the eldest Elric. She was looking at him too, and she breathed in so hard before replying that her chest inflated and made her breasts look at least two sizes bigger – but Roy was still staring wistfully at his youngest subordinate and didn't notice.

"Completely." She murmured, levelling her Colonel with an unimpressed look.

Edward was finishing up a conversation with Havoc in which the younger blonde talked a lot with his hands and the chain-smoker was nodding along with a glazed over look in his eyes that told Roy that Jean had stopped listening awhile ago and was most likely imagining the various ways in which he could put Ed's hands and mouth to better use, and then he turned to the group, pointing to each person as he did a quick head-count, and turned to the bar to get a round in. Roy vaguely wondered if he should let the Major pay, given that as a Colonel he had the highest pay-check, but figured it was the Elric's celebration, and he didn't want to insult the boy by suggesting he take up the bill. Roy could always get a round in later. Instead he contented himself with watching the boy interact with the bartender, who had disregarded two customers who were at the bar before Ed in order to serve the blonde first.

A few minutes later the blonde returned with a tray of small glasses filled with an array of multi-coloured alcoholic cocktails and presented them to the table with a self-satisfied grin and a happy exclamation of 'shots!'. There was a crescendo of noise as four military men reached into the table and selected their weapons, and then Edward put a clear looking shot in front of Riza, and an amber coloured one in front of Alphonse, which left two on the tray. Edward looked at him across the table and rose a challenging eyebrow, tongue dancing out of his mouth to lick his lips, and Roy felt his throat go dry. He shrugged his shoulders in a gesture he hoped was nonchalant.

"Either." He managed. They both looked a little ridiculous, if he was being honest. One was a bright orange thing, and the other a dark, creamy looking shot with a squirt of whipped cream on the top.

Edward twitched one corner of his mouth up into a smirk and winked at him. Roy swallowed to wet his throat and willed himself not to blush.

"Come on Roy," The boy said, the first time he'd said the Colonel's name, and Roy was already regretting giving him permission because the sound of it did all kinds of weird things to him. "Make up your mind – did you want a menage a trois, or a blow-job?"

A moment later Roy's forehead had hit the small table between them in self-pity, and in lieu of being able to form a coherent answer he reached out and grabbed whichever shot came to his hand first, pulling back to see it had been the one with the whipped cream. At least this way he wouldn't have to watch Edward swallowing around the cream. He sat up again, closed his eyes briefly to attempt to dispel the image of Edward on his knees, and raised his glass into the air with the others before tossing it back. It was sickly sweet and thick in his mouth, and he swallowed around it quickly, gulping it down and running his tongue along the roof of his mouth to scrape off the last vestiges of sweetness, before swallowing that down too. When he was done he looked to Ed who was looking back at him with an unreadable expression, brow furrowed and bottom lip pulled slightly into his mouth where he was chewing on it. The entire picture was enough to have Roy feeling hot under the collar.

"What?" He asked when Ed didn't look away from him, and Ed rose one perfect eyebrow challengingly and rolled one shoulder up before he spoke.

"You just looked like you really knew what you were doing with that blow-job."

Roy was really beginning to wonder if Ed was as innocent in this as Roy had previously assumed. For now, he needed more alcohol.

* * *

 

**Six**

Each and every officer in the military signed up, whether through the state alchemy programme or the more usual recruitment means, to a first serving term of seven years. It should have been five, or ten, or any more rounded number, but it was seven. No one really knew why, but over decades of self-improvement on the part of military that number had never changed. Most serving officers went on to renew their contracts, and often they signed up for another seven, or sometimes they decreased the term, but it never increased, as if seven was the maximum number of years one could reasonably expect to sign their life away for. Edward Elric's seven years came to a conclusion a few days after he turned nineteen, and nobody was expecting him to sign on for another seven.

He strolled in to Mustang's office with paperwork in his hands on the day his contract was up, and made a bee-line for Roy's desk, clearly attempting not to look at the faces of his crest-fallen colleagues who knew they would be saying goodbye to their youngest team member. Edward closed the door behind him when he entered Roy's interconnected office and placed his resignation forms on the man's desk with a gentle pat on the top of them. He was so incredibly different to the little boy who had stormed into command when he was twelve, and had grown into what Roy often referred to as the most stunning creature alive. Today his hair was down, cascading over his shoulders in fine strands of spun gold, and when he looked at Roy there was none of the usual anger that Fullmetal usually levelled at him.

"Seven years, huh?" Roy asked. Neither of them were sat, but they were keeping the desk between them like a barrier from getting too close. Roy thought that was probably a good idea. Edward nodded.

"I'll be having a little get together later – retirement party, ya know." He stated.

Roy nodded back at him. He wondered if Edward would be retiring back to Risembool; where he had lived for eleven years before travelling for the military, or whether he would go to Rush Valley; where his childhood friend spent most of her time, or whether he would stay in Central; close to all his former work-colleagues and keep the small flat he and Alphonse shared. He supposed it would mostly just be nice for Edward to have options.

And options was what he would have the most of. Roy had already overheard one or two whispers around the centre from officers he didn't know getting excited that the moment Edward left the military then fraternization laws no longer got in the way, and Edward Elric would  _finally_  be legal  _and_  obtainable to those in the military. Roy had no doubt that the second Ed walked out of his office the boy would be in receipt of possibly hundreds of men and women offering themselves to him, and Edward would have the option to choose whoever he liked – possibly multiple choices of people he liked, if he was inclined to do so. The boy was only nineteen after all, and had years left of playing the field before he would want to settle down.

Roy had to sit down after a moment because his brain helpfully provided the vague question of whether Edward had any experience in playing the field. Whether if Roy let Edward leave the office straight away, would the boy be being sent out into a minefield of eager partners as a  _virgin_. Edward looked at him long and hard for a moment, and Roy looked down at the resignation forms he'd been given because the blonde's stare was making other things on Roy long and hard as well. He flipped to the end and signed his name, officially releasing Ed of his duty.

The boy gave a ceremonial sigh of relief that shot straight to Roy's cock and put his hands on the older man's desk, leaning over slightly. Roy still wasn't looking up at him, and instead focused on the boy's fingers splayed out over his desk and tried not to imagine the boy grasping for stability on the very same desk as Roy fucked him from behind. He failed miserably.

"You should take my cherry."

It had come entirely out of nowhere, but Roy had dealt with  _that_  particular little gem before, and whilst he was still woefully unprepared for the images it conjured up, especially after Roy's previous thoughts on Edward's virginity, he managed to keep his cool a little more than the last time Edward had spoken those words to him. He looked up, fully expecting to see his as-of-thirty-seconds-ago ex-subordinate holding out a cherry, possibly with the stem knotted perfectly on his tongue, (the boy had perfected the technique during their stake-out and Roy hadn't been the same since) and so was highly confused when no red fruit was in sight. Surely Fullmetal hadn't meant…

" _What?_ " He managed to spit out, catching eye-contact with the nineteen year old. Surely if Edward was seriously asking Roy to relieve him of his virginity then there would be a hint of shyness there – but Ed remained imperiously cool under Roy's searching gaze. He shrugged his shoulder as if the request was no big deal.

"I really don't know how many hints I can shove at you, Roy." He confessed. "You've been deliberately obtuse to all of my best food puns, and honestly I'm not sure if I can be with someone who doesn't appreciate food humour, but you're hot enough for me to let it slide. Now, let's be candid. I want you, and you've wanted me since I was about sixteen, if the way you suddenly lost the ability to be a smarmy ass-hole around me says anything. So here's the deal – I've got a nice, untouched cherry, and  _you_  should take it."

Roy was still reeling, but he managed to sift through the information handed to him enough to ask:

"Did you just "it's a good job you're pretty" me?"

Ed leant slightly further over the desk with a smirk that was damn near predatory and licked his lips at the Colonel, raising one eyebrow challengingly.

"Well it  _is_  a good job you're pretty." He confirmed.

And Roy stood and was around the desk as quickly as possible without it seeming like he was too eager (but who was he kidding, he'd never been more eager for anything in his  _life_ ). He circled his arms around the boy's waist and Edward melted against him like butter on fucking toast, and pushed his fingers into Roy's hair, meeting him halfway for the kiss Roy had been dreaming about ever since Edward had offered him chocolates when the boy was seventeen. The moment their lips brushed against each other Roy was in sweet blissful heaven, and he wouldn't be held accountable for any noises, pathetic or otherwise, that the kiss elicited from him. To cover his sheer inability to remain cool in the given situation, he helped Edward up on to the desk and settled himself between the boy's thighs (and _holy mother_  those thigh muscles were everything Roy had hoped for and  _more_ ) and continued their heavy kissing from there, Ed now with the elevated height thanks to the help of the desk. A few moments later Roy, feverishly going over every time Ed had tortured him with food, had a stroke of genius and broke their kiss to grin stupidly at the blonde.

"This party you're having later." He confirmed, "will it involve sex on the beach?"

And Edward threw his head back and laughed the most pure, beautiful sound Roy had ever heard, and when he looked back to Roy he had a warm smile on his face that showed his teeth and crinkles around his eyes and Roy could no longer deny that he was irrevocably in love with the boy. The blonde cradled Roy's head in his hands and dove back in for more kisses, peppering his lips with perfect little pecks that had Roy smiling stupidly.

"Keep talking like that and it might." Ed mumbled with a fond chuckle, and Roy resolved to brush up on every dirty food pun he knew.

**Author's Note:**

> SNOG is a Fro-yo brand selling from a stand near my aging mother's house and I like to tease her by asking every random stranger that walks by if they 'fancy a snog'. 
> 
> Also it's all lies - Ed was never innocent. 
> 
> And yes, that title is a dirty pun as well.


End file.
